To protect the Innocent

To protect the innocent the following texts between friends are about a man named Gary.

F- Gary has her panties around his head right now, Wielding a spatula.

L- Why a spatula? Cause they're chubby? has to be food related? Jerk

F- Gary on all fours, panting. Hovering over an abacus.

L- Foul bro, and abacus because he works with numbers? god.

F- Gary filing her toenails with an electric sander. then delicately painting them rainbow.

L- alright. I'll play. All of this happening while he's day dreaming of his boss and she's day dreaming of her server.

F- Gary rummaging through attic in search of flavored condoms he received as joke gift four years ago

L- Gary naked hand cuffed to the faucet in the bathtub with a rubber ducky up his ass she found. She's leaving him for the server. - Gary on wikipedia while shes blindfolded running around the house - looking up The G Spot

F- Gary sprawled out on Ikea Zebra rug wearing only a vintage Polaroid camera around his neck.

L -Gary reading further on wikipedia that a sneeze is 1/10 of an orgasm grabs his cat's feather toy

F- Gary feeding her lemon jell-o with a spork from KFC

L- Gary reading that roofies help get you laid. Studies the rebellious character from the movie Hook. Determining only that he cannot pull off a red mohawk. - Gary, trying to change it up in the bedroom attempts to make animals with his member but can only seem to make boobs. - Gary, discovering warming gel goes to the Dr.'s the next morning convinced that his girl gave him the clap.

F- Gary putting hummingbird dildo in Barnes and Noble gift bag for six month anniversary gift.

L- Gary receiving hummingbird dildo in CVS bad for 1yr anniversary re-gift. - Gary hanging said dildo in back year to attract hummingbirds to his lilies gets a hefty fine and has to put in overtime.