8. One Day I'll Have The Pirate Sword
Today I opened my childhood with a key from a stranger.
Large and small at the same time, the door was impossible to see with my eyes open.
The key was made from a Barbie dolls leg and cried like a dolphin when I turned it.
My mothers voice rippled through my blood like a flat rock being spiked across a pond.
She’s singing to me of roses and mittens, oh,
Of all of her favorite things.
Behind her my father picks up a stone and shows my little brother how to whip it at just the right angle.
Skip.
Skip.
Skip.
Splash.
My kid brother walks to the edge of the wet world and pick up a smooth flyer, he glances over his shoulder at me, and my heart purrs
The way my first kitten did after she chewed on my ring finger the day we brought her home.
He launches the stone and it soars towards the water and sinks.
My father frowns.
He could never see.
Why couldn’t he see?
Why couldn’t he see when my brother’s toss hit the liquid lake it became a monstrous sailing sting ray
It soared through the water like a shooting star over my hammock that night we swore we saw new life in the sky.
Brown paper packages tied up with string…
My mother consoles the frustrated 5yr old.
My father takes a walk
A pink kickball whizzes over my head and I throw it back.
“Out! You’re up Ashley!”
It’s my turn to kick and I’m nervous again. What if Danny sees me mess up?
What if I fall down and everyone laughs?
The pitch, the kick, the pop up, out.
“Out!”
The smile on my bullies face turns into daggers hanging from a line.
Laugh all you want.
Laugh your blades dull.
Laugh all you want you pirate. … you pirate?
I have long black hair and a small dagger and … a hook!
My little brother comes flying into view from the distance, Peter Pan!
Why does he have my sword?
“They’re my toys,” he says with that grin of his, “I want the big sword, that way I will beat you Captain Hook!”
I feel myself yelling to Mom that it’s not fair but it’s too late, he’s snatched my dagger and all I’m left with is my hook.
“Where is my crew? Where are my men? Bad Form!” I cry.
Peter Pan smiles.
“Hook is a codfish, a codfish, a codfish.”
I’m swimming.
I’m a mermaid.
We’re in a pool and the only person I trusted is swimming next to me. We have dinglehoppers in our grips and we’re looking for coins that her mother threw down into the pool to collect on our respective sides.
They seem to be all discovered when she says it’s time to count and see who wins and gets to be Ariel, but I see something shining at the bottom.
My eyes glow bright red from the chlorine and down I dive to the depths of the greatest sea in the world, faster and faster through seaweed, past fish and around coral to get to the shimmery shiny little circle.
I place my hand on it and it speaks.
“You’re too big! And I’m locked!”
Not to worry, I always carry an extra DRINK ME bottle around with me; I reach into my fins and guzzle the nectar of my imagination
It tastes like a ½-melted creamsicle flavored Flintstones push-pop.
The knob opens his jaws and sucks me into an English garden.
If God had a dandelion clock that was filled with white roses instead of seeds, he must have made a wonderful wish and blew them down on this land.
I’m beaming and I bound through the burly beautiful bushes and buttery bewitching botanicals.
Music floats into my eardrums like a 1-legged Barbie floats in the birdbath.
Under it’s spell I follow through the garden until I’m walking up a woman’s back.
Her dress is the rose bed and they’re all slowly turning red.
“Rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens…”
She’s standing up, get off! Please get down, Alice! Wake up! Please!
Wake up.
…
It’s Christmas morning.
I’m in my childhood room.
My mother is standing over me with coffee.
She’s worried she doesn’t have enough soy creamer and raw sugar for me.
I’m worried I don’t have enough words to tell her my dream.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
#7. Telling You I Love You Should Be Easier.
#7. Telling You I Love You Should Be Easier.
I have a secret that no one knows except my chap-stick
My lips hide buried treasure
In the Caribbean lives a parrot named Fredrick
He’s the greeter at a beach bar where sunsets will break your heart
He will direct you to where the map is.
But be careful, he is also in charge of telling patrons where the bathroom is.
Make sure you are clear…
He’ll tell you to take the farmers road east, up into the mountain.
He’ll say look for which way the rainwater drains and where the lizards sunbathe
You may want to leave your sense of direction with him
I promise he’ll take good care of it
You mustn’t leave until the sun drops low and the flash of green squeezes your pupils into ripe star fruits.
The dirt road winds into the rainforest the way my heart winds when I hear my fathers laugh
If you feel completely lost you’re going the right way
You’ll pass a home that treats cows like family
A house made out of leaves
A hog cemetery for drunken pigs
And slide around a cliff side with views that would murder the cynic in you.
When you come to the T in the road on the East side of the night
Where the stars make arrows pointing away from you in every direction
Teasing you to follow them to a different time on earth
And the breeze smells the moment the rain stops on an empty beach, park.
Walk back from where you just came and hang a right under the divi divi tree
If the humidity weights heavy on your skin like the sweat from the first time you gave an orgasm to someone you loved, look down.
If not, you are too young to be looking for the map to my secret.
The path should sparkle with crushed sea air from thousands of years of pirates singing and swinging from the masts of ships darting about the ocean aimlessly looking for trouble.
Leap over the constellations of shells until you come to a chorus line of stubborn bamboo,
Sit down.
Sit deep.
Sit still.
Anchor your hips to the earth.
Wait until the moon is directly over your skull
Her beams will illuminate a map painted on the bamboo with Dr. Pepper flavored Chap-Stick.
Copy it down and inhale the 23 flavors of my mouth.
You are on your way to resting within the pleats of my smile’s coat
I yearn for your success and I bid you god speed.
I have a secret that no one knows except my chap-stick
My lips hide buried treasure
In the Caribbean lives a parrot named Fredrick
He’s the greeter at a beach bar where sunsets will break your heart
He will direct you to where the map is.
But be careful, he is also in charge of telling patrons where the bathroom is.
Make sure you are clear…
He’ll tell you to take the farmers road east, up into the mountain.
He’ll say look for which way the rainwater drains and where the lizards sunbathe
You may want to leave your sense of direction with him
I promise he’ll take good care of it
You mustn’t leave until the sun drops low and the flash of green squeezes your pupils into ripe star fruits.
The dirt road winds into the rainforest the way my heart winds when I hear my fathers laugh
If you feel completely lost you’re going the right way
You’ll pass a home that treats cows like family
A house made out of leaves
A hog cemetery for drunken pigs
And slide around a cliff side with views that would murder the cynic in you.
When you come to the T in the road on the East side of the night
Where the stars make arrows pointing away from you in every direction
Teasing you to follow them to a different time on earth
And the breeze smells the moment the rain stops on an empty beach, park.
Walk back from where you just came and hang a right under the divi divi tree
If the humidity weights heavy on your skin like the sweat from the first time you gave an orgasm to someone you loved, look down.
If not, you are too young to be looking for the map to my secret.
The path should sparkle with crushed sea air from thousands of years of pirates singing and swinging from the masts of ships darting about the ocean aimlessly looking for trouble.
Leap over the constellations of shells until you come to a chorus line of stubborn bamboo,
Sit down.
Sit deep.
Sit still.
Anchor your hips to the earth.
Wait until the moon is directly over your skull
Her beams will illuminate a map painted on the bamboo with Dr. Pepper flavored Chap-Stick.
Copy it down and inhale the 23 flavors of my mouth.
You are on your way to resting within the pleats of my smile’s coat
I yearn for your success and I bid you god speed.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
#6 Gate B5
6. Gate B5
There are bunnies in my nose.
Little grayish brown bunnies
They live in vents in the airport
Inside is no different than outside at a gate
Snow flaked air gives my cheeks monkey bites
Where is my chap stick?
I want to know who bullied the lighting in the airport as a kid to make him treat me this way
Maybe he should talk to someone about it
My mouth looks vintage
My lips are cobras shedding their skin.
Flyers will do everything to avoid eye contact
Stare-rs are soul stealing
I’m doing it on purpose
It makes me feel like that bully must feel.
Guilty.
I keep sneezing into my armpit
I wonder if I’m allergic to airports
but it’s probably just the bunnies
There are bunnies in my nose.
Little grayish brown bunnies
They live in vents in the airport
Inside is no different than outside at a gate
Snow flaked air gives my cheeks monkey bites
Where is my chap stick?
I want to know who bullied the lighting in the airport as a kid to make him treat me this way
Maybe he should talk to someone about it
My mouth looks vintage
My lips are cobras shedding their skin.
Flyers will do everything to avoid eye contact
Stare-rs are soul stealing
I’m doing it on purpose
It makes me feel like that bully must feel.
Guilty.
I keep sneezing into my armpit
I wonder if I’m allergic to airports
but it’s probably just the bunnies
Saturday, December 25, 2010
#5 Heaven is Your Favorite Childhood Game
#5 Heaven is Your Favorite Childhood Game
Grow young when you get old
Build a tree house as big as a storm
Wash it in colors that make you glow
Fill it with bubbles that sing like whales
Sleep on a sleeping bag on the floor
Hang a swing from the tallest branch
Catch lightening bugs for your torches
Hold concerts for your old friends
Tell them you know a place where the old grow young
Where the birds play drums and the bugs make love
Where the air tastes like snow and the sun always spies
A place where a tree holds your heart because you gave it to him to hold
I’ll meet you at the tree house and we will run naked along his branches
My dear, grow young when you get old
Never change a thing about you
Grow young when you get old
Build a tree house as big as a storm
Wash it in colors that make you glow
Fill it with bubbles that sing like whales
Sleep on a sleeping bag on the floor
Hang a swing from the tallest branch
Catch lightening bugs for your torches
Hold concerts for your old friends
Tell them you know a place where the old grow young
Where the birds play drums and the bugs make love
Where the air tastes like snow and the sun always spies
A place where a tree holds your heart because you gave it to him to hold
I’ll meet you at the tree house and we will run naked along his branches
My dear, grow young when you get old
Never change a thing about you
Friday, December 24, 2010
#4 Grin
Grin
If you smiled any wider
Tectonic plates would shift
Volcanoes would erupt with cherry blossoms
And cover the world in petals
Like tears from a geisha
I shrink to the size of an uncut blade of grass
Carrying a staple remover, I jump on your arm while you’re sleeping
Bound up your biceps and scale your ear
Tempted to snuggle in the peach fuzz
When I clamber to your face I want to lie on it
Forever kissing each freckle like a child who believes they can count the stars in a single night
But I am here with a mission
I position the staple remover next to your eyes and steal the lines that appear when you smile.
I fold them on their crease and race back to myself
Full size and overflowing with excitement I unfold the tiny pleats in the palm of my hand
They smell like bliss
I squeeze my hands into fists as tight as I can
Fusing them into my palms
You’re laugh lines inside my lifeline.
If you smiled any wider
The moon would come closer
Snow wouldn’t fall but float static until you touched it
my hands would bleed blood oranges
And we would make mimosas.
If you smiled any wider
Tectonic plates would shift
Volcanoes would erupt with cherry blossoms
And cover the world in petals
Like tears from a geisha
I shrink to the size of an uncut blade of grass
Carrying a staple remover, I jump on your arm while you’re sleeping
Bound up your biceps and scale your ear
Tempted to snuggle in the peach fuzz
When I clamber to your face I want to lie on it
Forever kissing each freckle like a child who believes they can count the stars in a single night
But I am here with a mission
I position the staple remover next to your eyes and steal the lines that appear when you smile.
I fold them on their crease and race back to myself
Full size and overflowing with excitement I unfold the tiny pleats in the palm of my hand
They smell like bliss
I squeeze my hands into fists as tight as I can
Fusing them into my palms
You’re laugh lines inside my lifeline.
If you smiled any wider
The moon would come closer
Snow wouldn’t fall but float static until you touched it
my hands would bleed blood oranges
And we would make mimosas.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
(3rd) Precipitation
Precipitation
Today is a rainforest of over dramatic egos
Speeding down the freeways in the overpriced soul sucking two door douche-mobiles
Blinking distraction and ignorance is dangerous.
Sitting on the roof in the forest the rain whispers in my ears that it’s time to slow down.
Sit back in my skin
Do you hear it?
Rain speaks. Rain says;
“Refresh yourself. Clean up. Hydrate your memory of a day when thoughts and emotions were more valuable than time and money.”
I am a loving Lioness of God, who sees and perceives the presence of the divine surrounding her, and who falls in love with that experience.
Today I fall in love.
Today I let my claws retract.
Inhale the birth of a cloud and exhale the death of a judgment.
I am a beast, a nonhuman, a filthy creature being cleansed.
I am a lioness who hunts downs hypocrisy and pounces on pretension.
But not today
Today my coat is drenched in celestial dew and I am in love with the spirit inside of raindrops.
Giving over to release and offering up to the universe my pride.
Tonight when you get home to your barely furnished condo and park your black black engine, stand in the street for a moment.
Let your palate slide back and face the sky, because rain has something to say and you’re only going to listen if it smacks you in the face.
Today is a rainforest of over dramatic egos
Speeding down the freeways in the overpriced soul sucking two door douche-mobiles
Blinking distraction and ignorance is dangerous.
Sitting on the roof in the forest the rain whispers in my ears that it’s time to slow down.
Sit back in my skin
Do you hear it?
Rain speaks. Rain says;
“Refresh yourself. Clean up. Hydrate your memory of a day when thoughts and emotions were more valuable than time and money.”
I am a loving Lioness of God, who sees and perceives the presence of the divine surrounding her, and who falls in love with that experience.
Today I fall in love.
Today I let my claws retract.
Inhale the birth of a cloud and exhale the death of a judgment.
I am a beast, a nonhuman, a filthy creature being cleansed.
I am a lioness who hunts downs hypocrisy and pounces on pretension.
But not today
Today my coat is drenched in celestial dew and I am in love with the spirit inside of raindrops.
Giving over to release and offering up to the universe my pride.
Tonight when you get home to your barely furnished condo and park your black black engine, stand in the street for a moment.
Let your palate slide back and face the sky, because rain has something to say and you’re only going to listen if it smacks you in the face.
12/22 Hot Hands
Hot Hands
Does it bother anyone else that Nail Polish is flammable?
Are my fingertips more likely to burst into flames at a bonfire if my claws are colored?
I am only as attractive as the color of my toes and fingers.
And if I breathe in the fumes of the paint I could get sick.
Sick people are hot.
But not as hot as my hands will be when I test my theory in the fireplace.
Keep your clean cuticles crossed and wish me luck.
Does it bother anyone else that Nail Polish is flammable?
Are my fingertips more likely to burst into flames at a bonfire if my claws are colored?
I am only as attractive as the color of my toes and fingers.
And if I breathe in the fumes of the paint I could get sick.
Sick people are hot.
But not as hot as my hands will be when I test my theory in the fireplace.
Keep your clean cuticles crossed and wish me luck.
12/21 Porcupines Dilemma
12/21 Porcupines Dilemma
I used to be one tough cookie.
I’d give you a cavity and a root canal with my eyes.
I used to only watch the nature programs on TV about animals that ripped each other to shreds.
I’d laugh.
I used to have a Mohawk.
My Dad told me a young woman shouldn’t do that to her hair.
It’s too masculine.
So I began calling it a woman’s Mohawk.
Wo-hawk.
I liked that I had to duck to get into the L train to go back to Brooklyn.
So I had a Wohawk and you had a Mohawk.
And we met on a rooftop on the Fourth of July cause we saw each other’s hair through a sea of anti-voluminous do’s.
And before the sunset, there were fireworks.
Like Sharks swimming to each other on a rough sea we parted the ocean of people.
I touched your Mo and you touched my Woah, but you really touched my heart.
You called me Porcupine and I called you Hedgehog.
We were Native American
We were punk rock
We were weirdos
We were tough cookies
Steel Sinckerdoodles
Leather Gingerbread Men
Two tough cookies.
Your apartment smelled like matches and looked like a bomb shelter.
It was a cool night and we shut the windows and sat on the bed.
Not touching. But so close.
Staring contest.
My skin tightens and a chill runs down my spine. It sprints down my legs and back up my sides. It completes its marathon at my mouth and I’m covered in goose bumps.
So is he.
National Geographic needs to do a bit on Porcupines and Hedgehogs.
To touch you and prick you? Or watch you shiver?
That night I froze.
Sacrificed heat so we wouldn’t inflict damage upon each other.
Two tough cookies are too sharp to keep each other warm.
I used to be one tough cookie.
I’d give you a cavity and a root canal with my eyes.
I used to only watch the nature programs on TV about animals that ripped each other to shreds.
I’d laugh.
I used to have a Mohawk.
My Dad told me a young woman shouldn’t do that to her hair.
It’s too masculine.
So I began calling it a woman’s Mohawk.
Wo-hawk.
I liked that I had to duck to get into the L train to go back to Brooklyn.
So I had a Wohawk and you had a Mohawk.
And we met on a rooftop on the Fourth of July cause we saw each other’s hair through a sea of anti-voluminous do’s.
And before the sunset, there were fireworks.
Like Sharks swimming to each other on a rough sea we parted the ocean of people.
I touched your Mo and you touched my Woah, but you really touched my heart.
You called me Porcupine and I called you Hedgehog.
We were Native American
We were punk rock
We were weirdos
We were tough cookies
Steel Sinckerdoodles
Leather Gingerbread Men
Two tough cookies.
Your apartment smelled like matches and looked like a bomb shelter.
It was a cool night and we shut the windows and sat on the bed.
Not touching. But so close.
Staring contest.
My skin tightens and a chill runs down my spine. It sprints down my legs and back up my sides. It completes its marathon at my mouth and I’m covered in goose bumps.
So is he.
National Geographic needs to do a bit on Porcupines and Hedgehogs.
To touch you and prick you? Or watch you shiver?
That night I froze.
Sacrificed heat so we wouldn’t inflict damage upon each other.
Two tough cookies are too sharp to keep each other warm.
Poems for Days
My friend Jeremy Radin is a rad poet.
We had a poetry and tea night.
We drank poetry and recited tea.
He has inspired me to write.
I will attempt to write 32 poems from 12/21 - 1/21
Hopefully 1 a day for 32 days.
Follow me on my Poem Path here.
Follow Jeremy Radin on his
We had a poetry and tea night.
We drank poetry and recited tea.
He has inspired me to write.
I will attempt to write 32 poems from 12/21 - 1/21
Hopefully 1 a day for 32 days.
Follow me on my Poem Path here.
Follow Jeremy Radin on his
Monday, November 8, 2010
Movies (IMO) Everyone should see
A list of movies that In My Opinion... EVERYONE Should See.
Amelie - 2001(France)
foreign romance/comedy R
American Beauty - 1999
american black comedy R
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - 2004
american rom/com fantasy R
In Bruges - 2008
crime thriller R
The Shining -1980
classic psychological thriller R
Everyone Else - 2009
foreign drama NR
Chinatown - 1942
film noir classic drama R
L.A. Confidential - 1997
crime drama mystery R
Pans Labyrinth - 2006(Spain)
foreign drama fantasy R
Monster - 2003
drama based on real life R
Annie Hall - 1997
romantic comedy PG
Let The Right One In - 2008(Sweden)
foreign romance horror R
RULE: all foreign films MUST be watched in their intended language with english subtitles.
otherwise the film loses it's sense of truth.
Amelie - 2001(France)
foreign romance/comedy R
American Beauty - 1999
american black comedy R
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - 2004
american rom/com fantasy R
In Bruges - 2008
crime thriller R
The Shining -1980
classic psychological thriller R
Everyone Else - 2009
foreign drama NR
Chinatown - 1942
film noir classic drama R
L.A. Confidential - 1997
crime drama mystery R
Pans Labyrinth - 2006(Spain)
foreign drama fantasy R
Monster - 2003
drama based on real life R
Annie Hall - 1997
romantic comedy PG
Let The Right One In - 2008(Sweden)
foreign romance horror R
RULE: all foreign films MUST be watched in their intended language with english subtitles.
otherwise the film loses it's sense of truth.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
The Light Bulb Is On
After I turned 25 I thought that I had magically become more responsible. No more crazy partying. No more vomiting. No more passing out. Who knew the smallest amount of each would lead me to the place I’m at right now.
Tonight I performed in the Sunday matinee of Last of the Red Hot Lovers at the Pico Playhouse in Los Angeles. Great show. I went out with some friends to watch some MLB & NFL sports and had one beer and some nachos. Why is this important? Well I’m usually pretty good about my diet and nachos are def a “no-no” for me. Processed cheese microwaved, no doubt, on top of overly salted corn chips with layers of sour cream and grease.
So it was no surprise to me that by the time I made it back home to “The Valley” my stomach had a few things to say about those nachos. But all I could think of was going for a run.
You see I’m the second act of the play. Literally. During the first act, I am prepping and getting loose as if I were about to start a race. But during the 3rd act, I am reading this book called Born To Run by Christopher McDougall. Each night after I walk off stage I rush to the green room to chug some water, eat an apple and pick up this book while keeping an ear out for my cue to return to stage for curtain call.
I heard about this book about a year ago from the man who began CITY YOGA on Fairfax and Santa Monica blvd in West Hollywood. I took my first yoga class there in 2008 when I lived a 5min walk from the studio. I still go to this studio even though – on average – it takes me about 30mins in traffic to get there, and I live within a 5min walk from another studio. (I’m a Leo, we’re Loyal) His name is Anthony and he quite the inspirational yogi.
His 8:30am basics class began that morning as most do but as the class rolled on we became increasingly focused on the feet. He brought up these barefoot running shoes he was using and mentioned this book Born To Run. I retained the info but didn’t go any further than that, until the 2009 Irvine Mud Run.
The Irvine Mud Run is a 5k (3.2 mile) race over obstacles and mud pits. It’s pretty awesome. Without training for this event where I competed against some 150 women I placed 15th. Not bad for not training. However I became a little curious when I noticed that 4 of the 14 women ahead of me were wearing these strange little shoes that were like gloves for their feet.
After interrogating everyone I saw with these finger shoes for the next 6 months, I found out that my Mother – who happened to be in LA and in Anthony’s yoga class with me the day he recommended this book – had read and was mailing me Born To Run. Wow, I thought, this thing has been chasing me more than I’ve been chasing it. I don’t know what’s taking me so long. All signs point to TRY THE FUCKIN SHOES ASHLEY!
So I did. I cracked down and bought the VIBRAM KSO barefoot running shoes. The first day I ran in them, I was overwhelmed with the sensation that I was connected to the ground. That not only was I feeling everything I was doing it was as if some powerful numbing drug has worn off and the euphoria of human movement could settle in. I had them less than a month before I decided to run the Malibu Dirt Dash 5k Mud Run in them.
Everyone I spoke to say to take it slow, run half your normal distance, and give your legs and feet time to adjust. Well, I guess I am impatient. As I pushed away from my friends at the starting line and shouted my last idiotic jokes back to them I found myself at the front of the line standing next to another Vibram shoe runner. We bonded. The horn blew. And I blew him away. Out of 503 runners, male and female, 16yrs old – 60yrs old, I placed 53rd. For my new age group, 25-29, I placed 1st.
Was it me? Was it all the yoga? Was it the shoes? Was it this newfound connection I had to the earth? I believe that these shoes make me WANT to run. Something about being present, feeling, receiving that communication with the ground makes me want to run.
All through high school I lived and died by Puma. College – it was Nike. But no more. Thanks to the Vibrams, after a long morning of personal training some girlfriends, having an admin meeting, performing in the show, chowing down some greasy crunchy gooey nastiness, all I wanted to do was run. And this book (I’m only ½ way through and wish I was done writing this so I can go read more) is re-training me to run.
At 6:53pm, as the sunlight was almost completely gone from the Valley sky, I threw on my Vibrams and hit the roads in Studio City. In an attempt to apply what I had been reading about I spent the first 2mins recapping the few chapters I flew threw today.
The first thing I noticed right away was that I didn’t run on my toes. As I began to adjust my run I noticed two things. I noticed those nachos wanted out of my body and that this blissful feeling just pouring over me. By the time I had 1 mile down I don’t know if I was smiling at the idea of throwing up on the side of the road or because I felt so great otherwise. I was running on my toes and flying faster than I’ve ever run, without fatigue. The beginning of mile 2 took me across the “LA River” and east on Ventura blvd. I was booking. Maybe not by Marion Jones’ definition but definitely by Ashley Platz’ definition.
Turning north to head back to my place, it was becoming increasingly apparent that the Nachos were coming out one way or another, but I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t slow down. I had to run! Faster and Faster and Faster! I knew that once I saw my car I would have completed 3miles and I wanted to know how fast I was really going. In other words, no time to stop and blow chunks.
29.33 was my time at the Dirt Dash 3 weeks ago. Tonight I ran .3 miles less than the Dirt Dash, but I finished in 23.00. Was I doing the math wrong? Nope. I knocked 6 mins off of my time by changing the way I run.
Why tell this story? Why explain how I still want to celebrate and vomit and pass out…though due to running and not alcohol? Because I have to admit it. It’s time to fess up.
Dear my Nikes, I have been running with someone else. He supports me more than you will ever be able to. He allows me to feel the things I’m feeling and lets me be me. He may look funny to you and you may judge him, but those are all your own insecurities about how trendy and fashionable you’ve become. I don’t need you anymore. It’s over. By the time I post this on my blog you will be by the front door, but in a bag this time and headed to Goodwill and I will have already ordered another pair of my Vibrams specifically for running on pavement.
NIKE you can keep your cushions and your ankle rolling technology. I’m sticking with my own feet and the feeling of the earth underneath them.
Yours Truly,
A much faster Ashley Platz
PS for those still concerned I managed to not vomit those nachos.
Tonight I performed in the Sunday matinee of Last of the Red Hot Lovers at the Pico Playhouse in Los Angeles. Great show. I went out with some friends to watch some MLB & NFL sports and had one beer and some nachos. Why is this important? Well I’m usually pretty good about my diet and nachos are def a “no-no” for me. Processed cheese microwaved, no doubt, on top of overly salted corn chips with layers of sour cream and grease.
So it was no surprise to me that by the time I made it back home to “The Valley” my stomach had a few things to say about those nachos. But all I could think of was going for a run.
You see I’m the second act of the play. Literally. During the first act, I am prepping and getting loose as if I were about to start a race. But during the 3rd act, I am reading this book called Born To Run by Christopher McDougall. Each night after I walk off stage I rush to the green room to chug some water, eat an apple and pick up this book while keeping an ear out for my cue to return to stage for curtain call.
I heard about this book about a year ago from the man who began CITY YOGA on Fairfax and Santa Monica blvd in West Hollywood. I took my first yoga class there in 2008 when I lived a 5min walk from the studio. I still go to this studio even though – on average – it takes me about 30mins in traffic to get there, and I live within a 5min walk from another studio. (I’m a Leo, we’re Loyal) His name is Anthony and he quite the inspirational yogi.
His 8:30am basics class began that morning as most do but as the class rolled on we became increasingly focused on the feet. He brought up these barefoot running shoes he was using and mentioned this book Born To Run. I retained the info but didn’t go any further than that, until the 2009 Irvine Mud Run.
The Irvine Mud Run is a 5k (3.2 mile) race over obstacles and mud pits. It’s pretty awesome. Without training for this event where I competed against some 150 women I placed 15th. Not bad for not training. However I became a little curious when I noticed that 4 of the 14 women ahead of me were wearing these strange little shoes that were like gloves for their feet.
After interrogating everyone I saw with these finger shoes for the next 6 months, I found out that my Mother – who happened to be in LA and in Anthony’s yoga class with me the day he recommended this book – had read and was mailing me Born To Run. Wow, I thought, this thing has been chasing me more than I’ve been chasing it. I don’t know what’s taking me so long. All signs point to TRY THE FUCKIN SHOES ASHLEY!
So I did. I cracked down and bought the VIBRAM KSO barefoot running shoes. The first day I ran in them, I was overwhelmed with the sensation that I was connected to the ground. That not only was I feeling everything I was doing it was as if some powerful numbing drug has worn off and the euphoria of human movement could settle in. I had them less than a month before I decided to run the Malibu Dirt Dash 5k Mud Run in them.
Everyone I spoke to say to take it slow, run half your normal distance, and give your legs and feet time to adjust. Well, I guess I am impatient. As I pushed away from my friends at the starting line and shouted my last idiotic jokes back to them I found myself at the front of the line standing next to another Vibram shoe runner. We bonded. The horn blew. And I blew him away. Out of 503 runners, male and female, 16yrs old – 60yrs old, I placed 53rd. For my new age group, 25-29, I placed 1st.
Was it me? Was it all the yoga? Was it the shoes? Was it this newfound connection I had to the earth? I believe that these shoes make me WANT to run. Something about being present, feeling, receiving that communication with the ground makes me want to run.
All through high school I lived and died by Puma. College – it was Nike. But no more. Thanks to the Vibrams, after a long morning of personal training some girlfriends, having an admin meeting, performing in the show, chowing down some greasy crunchy gooey nastiness, all I wanted to do was run. And this book (I’m only ½ way through and wish I was done writing this so I can go read more) is re-training me to run.
At 6:53pm, as the sunlight was almost completely gone from the Valley sky, I threw on my Vibrams and hit the roads in Studio City. In an attempt to apply what I had been reading about I spent the first 2mins recapping the few chapters I flew threw today.
The first thing I noticed right away was that I didn’t run on my toes. As I began to adjust my run I noticed two things. I noticed those nachos wanted out of my body and that this blissful feeling just pouring over me. By the time I had 1 mile down I don’t know if I was smiling at the idea of throwing up on the side of the road or because I felt so great otherwise. I was running on my toes and flying faster than I’ve ever run, without fatigue. The beginning of mile 2 took me across the “LA River” and east on Ventura blvd. I was booking. Maybe not by Marion Jones’ definition but definitely by Ashley Platz’ definition.
Turning north to head back to my place, it was becoming increasingly apparent that the Nachos were coming out one way or another, but I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t slow down. I had to run! Faster and Faster and Faster! I knew that once I saw my car I would have completed 3miles and I wanted to know how fast I was really going. In other words, no time to stop and blow chunks.
29.33 was my time at the Dirt Dash 3 weeks ago. Tonight I ran .3 miles less than the Dirt Dash, but I finished in 23.00. Was I doing the math wrong? Nope. I knocked 6 mins off of my time by changing the way I run.
Why tell this story? Why explain how I still want to celebrate and vomit and pass out…though due to running and not alcohol? Because I have to admit it. It’s time to fess up.
Dear my Nikes, I have been running with someone else. He supports me more than you will ever be able to. He allows me to feel the things I’m feeling and lets me be me. He may look funny to you and you may judge him, but those are all your own insecurities about how trendy and fashionable you’ve become. I don’t need you anymore. It’s over. By the time I post this on my blog you will be by the front door, but in a bag this time and headed to Goodwill and I will have already ordered another pair of my Vibrams specifically for running on pavement.
NIKE you can keep your cushions and your ankle rolling technology. I’m sticking with my own feet and the feeling of the earth underneath them.
Yours Truly,
A much faster Ashley Platz
PS for those still concerned I managed to not vomit those nachos.
Monday, September 27, 2010
mmmmmmmmmMichelle...
I not-so-secretly want to either Be or Be With Michelle Rodriguez.
I don't know what it is about her... and I'm not gay or anything but... shit.
Being from NJ i def have an edge of tough to me but...
im in debate.
do i want to have her career? minus the legal drama?
or do i want to have her?
odd...
but i'm def not gay.
I don't know what it is about her... and I'm not gay or anything but... shit.
Being from NJ i def have an edge of tough to me but...
im in debate.
do i want to have her career? minus the legal drama?
or do i want to have her?
odd...
but i'm def not gay.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Priorities
I am always ...impressed?
thats not the right word but i'll go with it.
I am always impressed with the way our government and people who work for the government prioritize "Threats"
Lucky for us (americans)
it was a good week for "The First Amendment after the FBI sent a letter to Wikipedia.com demanding that the site take down an image of the FBI seal from its article on the bureau. Wikipedia refused, "with all appropriate respect.""
They DEMAND? They Demanded an IMAGE on the FBI seal be removed...
I remember learning in middle school about a time when the government DEMANDED that we create a BILL OF RIGHTS with the 1st thing in that Bill being something called the First Amendment... (not the 2nd...the FIRST) You remember? the one that prohibits impeding the free exercise of religion? the one that prohibits infringing on the rights to have freedom of the press? and that one... oh what was that other one... Freedom Of Speech?!
Damn right Wikipedia. You go girl.
thats not the right word but i'll go with it.
I am always impressed with the way our government and people who work for the government prioritize "Threats"
Lucky for us (americans)
it was a good week for "The First Amendment after the FBI sent a letter to Wikipedia.com demanding that the site take down an image of the FBI seal from its article on the bureau. Wikipedia refused, "with all appropriate respect.""
They DEMAND? They Demanded an IMAGE on the FBI seal be removed...
I remember learning in middle school about a time when the government DEMANDED that we create a BILL OF RIGHTS with the 1st thing in that Bill being something called the First Amendment... (not the 2nd...the FIRST) You remember? the one that prohibits impeding the free exercise of religion? the one that prohibits infringing on the rights to have freedom of the press? and that one... oh what was that other one... Freedom Of Speech?!
Damn right Wikipedia. You go girl.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
HH by ADP
Helpful Hints from someone who observes ...
Helpful Hint #1 by Ashley Platz:
Your tribal tattoo isn't good. But what makes it super lame... is you haven't gone back and had it finished yet. If you're going to begin something that stupid... commit to it.
Helpful Hint #2:
If you are searching for a more dramatic way to state your point, just say it's dramatic. Don't misuse words purposely - for dramatic affect. Ie: You mean it's a tragedy. Not a travesty. A tragedy is a pretty fuckin' dramatic thing... and a travesty is "a literary or artistic burlesque of a serious work or subject, characterized by grotesque or ludicrous incongruity of style, treatment, or subject matter." Is that what you meant?
Helpful Hint #3:
I know it seems fun - or interesting - or "cool?" But colored contacts do not look good on anyone. Unless you wear them to look like an anime character and that's what gets your man hot... then "cool." But don't wear them in public. You're frightening small children.
Helpful Hint #1 by Ashley Platz:
Your tribal tattoo isn't good. But what makes it super lame... is you haven't gone back and had it finished yet. If you're going to begin something that stupid... commit to it.
Helpful Hint #2:
If you are searching for a more dramatic way to state your point, just say it's dramatic. Don't misuse words purposely - for dramatic affect. Ie: You mean it's a tragedy. Not a travesty. A tragedy is a pretty fuckin' dramatic thing... and a travesty is "a literary or artistic burlesque of a serious work or subject, characterized by grotesque or ludicrous incongruity of style, treatment, or subject matter." Is that what you meant?
Helpful Hint #3:
I know it seems fun - or interesting - or "cool?" But colored contacts do not look good on anyone. Unless you wear them to look like an anime character and that's what gets your man hot... then "cool." But don't wear them in public. You're frightening small children.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Stir this in your coffee
“Throughout history, it has been the inaction of those who could have acted; the indifference of those who should have known better; the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most; that has made it possible for evil to triumph.” -Haile Selassie (former Emperor of Ethiopia)
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
My Hero
My friend Megan (who I work w/ in the service industry) posted this and I'll tell you what... it's great!
My New Hero
Flight Attendant Pops Emergency Chute, Escapes Plane at JFK
A jetBlue flight attendant, upset because a passenger refused to apologize after accidentally striking him with luggage, allegedly spewed obscenities over the PA system, then activated and slid down the plane’s emergency chute before disappearing into a terminal at John F. Kennedy airport Monday, an airport official said.
JetBlue Flight 1052 from Pittsburgh had taxied to a stop at Terminal 5, Gate C around noon Monday when flight attendant Steven Slater, 38 years old, was struck in the head with luggage that a passenger was trying to unload from an overhead compartment, according to an airport official with knowledge of the incident.
Slater demanded an apology from the passenger, the official said, but the passenger refused. The two argued before the passenger told Slater to “f— off”, the official said. Slater then got on the plane’s PA system and directed that same obscenity at all the passengers and added that he especially meant it for the man who refused to apologize.
Slater is alleged to have then activated the plane’s inflatable emergency slide, grabbed two beers from the galley, then slid down the chute, the official said
My New Hero
Flight Attendant Pops Emergency Chute, Escapes Plane at JFK
A jetBlue flight attendant, upset because a passenger refused to apologize after accidentally striking him with luggage, allegedly spewed obscenities over the PA system, then activated and slid down the plane’s emergency chute before disappearing into a terminal at John F. Kennedy airport Monday, an airport official said.
JetBlue Flight 1052 from Pittsburgh had taxied to a stop at Terminal 5, Gate C around noon Monday when flight attendant Steven Slater, 38 years old, was struck in the head with luggage that a passenger was trying to unload from an overhead compartment, according to an airport official with knowledge of the incident.
Slater demanded an apology from the passenger, the official said, but the passenger refused. The two argued before the passenger told Slater to “f— off”, the official said. Slater then got on the plane’s PA system and directed that same obscenity at all the passengers and added that he especially meant it for the man who refused to apologize.
Slater is alleged to have then activated the plane’s inflatable emergency slide, grabbed two beers from the galley, then slid down the chute, the official said
Thursday, July 22, 2010
My Spiritual Name
Yogi or not...
You can have 3HO give you your spiritual name.
Check it out.
"Spiritual Name for: Ashley Danielle Platz
Sat Nam, dear sister in divine.
Your request for a spiritual name has been gratefully received.
You have been blessed to live as Darshanpreet Kaur, which means the loving Princess/Lioness of God, who sees and perceives the presence of the divine surrounding her, and who falls in love with that experience.
Darshan means God's vision, being in God's presence, audience with the divine. Preet means love. Kaur means the Princess/Lioness of God who walks with grace and power throughout her life. Kaur is a name that all women receive. Yogi Bhajan taught that every woman has the potential to attain a true state of grace and power, and he encouraged each woman to manifest that potential."
You can have 3HO give you your spiritual name.
Check it out.
"Spiritual Name for: Ashley Danielle Platz
Sat Nam, dear sister in divine.
Your request for a spiritual name has been gratefully received.
You have been blessed to live as Darshanpreet Kaur, which means the loving Princess/Lioness of God, who sees and perceives the presence of the divine surrounding her, and who falls in love with that experience.
Darshan means God's vision, being in God's presence, audience with the divine. Preet means love. Kaur means the Princess/Lioness of God who walks with grace and power throughout her life. Kaur is a name that all women receive. Yogi Bhajan taught that every woman has the potential to attain a true state of grace and power, and he encouraged each woman to manifest that potential."
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Headshots
I got new headshots!
I shot with Miss. Alexandra Marlin
Check em -out!
If you love them - call her!
Let her know you saw my shots!
I shot with Miss. Alexandra Marlin
Check em -out!
If you love them - call her!
Let her know you saw my shots!
Monday, July 12, 2010
White trash is global
The Week Magainze claims:
This week is a Bad Week for
EDGY IRANIANS: after Iran banned "decadent Western haircuts" for men, including spiky hair, ponytails, and Mullets."
Listen Iran,
you've done a lot of we rid shit and a lot of fucked up shit...
but how dare you... how dare you ban mullets.
America doesn't have a lot of things that are inherently OURS.
The cowboy.
Baseball.
America Football.
The Celebrity.
White Trash Hair aka: THE MULLET.
When I was in Spain in 2007 I was PROUD to see Mullets on half of the little Spanish kids running around. USA PRIDE!
(insert congratulatory cheer for Spain winning the World Cup here)
but seriously...
The Mullet is such a recognizable America staple!
Iran...
this means war.
This week is a Bad Week for
EDGY IRANIANS: after Iran banned "decadent Western haircuts" for men, including spiky hair, ponytails, and Mullets."
Listen Iran,
you've done a lot of we rid shit and a lot of fucked up shit...
but how dare you... how dare you ban mullets.
America doesn't have a lot of things that are inherently OURS.
The cowboy.
Baseball.
America Football.
The Celebrity.
White Trash Hair aka: THE MULLET.
When I was in Spain in 2007 I was PROUD to see Mullets on half of the little Spanish kids running around. USA PRIDE!
(insert congratulatory cheer for Spain winning the World Cup here)
but seriously...
The Mullet is such a recognizable America staple!
Iran...
this means war.
More Dick Jokes
Anyone who knows me knows how much I love a good story...
this next bit of juicy heaven bubbles came from this weeks edition of THE WEEK Magazine and i'd bet my bottom dollar that surrounding this little fact of life are some amazing stories...
This week was a Good week for:
IMPOTENCE: after a new study found that the rate of STD's in men over 40 who take erectile dysfunction drugs (ex:Viagra) is DOUBLE that of the men over 40 who don't use those medications.
OH YES!
move over Cougars... we've got a new breed of sexual feinds!
The over 40 - sexually medicated - un responsible - MAN WHORES!
according to Ubrna Dictionary.com the MALE equivolent to The Cougar is THE RHINO.
The Rhino?
not bad I guess...
but lets add the STD aspect into the equation and just call them the Gyno.
this next bit of juicy heaven bubbles came from this weeks edition of THE WEEK Magazine and i'd bet my bottom dollar that surrounding this little fact of life are some amazing stories...
This week was a Good week for:
IMPOTENCE: after a new study found that the rate of STD's in men over 40 who take erectile dysfunction drugs (ex:Viagra) is DOUBLE that of the men over 40 who don't use those medications.
OH YES!
move over Cougars... we've got a new breed of sexual feinds!
The over 40 - sexually medicated - un responsible - MAN WHORES!
according to Ubrna Dictionary.com the MALE equivolent to The Cougar is THE RHINO.
The Rhino?
not bad I guess...
but lets add the STD aspect into the equation and just call them the Gyno.
I never was a Philadelphia sports fan...
Only In America:
"A Pennsylvania woman is SUING the Phillie Phanatic, claiming the baseball mascot aggrivated her arthritis when he sat on her lap, requiring both knees to be replaced. The Lawyer for Grace Cass (75yrs old), conceded it might be difficult to take testimony from the Phanatic: "I'm expecting him to come to a deposition, stick his tounge out at me and not say anything.""
Go for it Grace!
Sue his ass and get him to be the next Subway Celebrity.
Move over Jared... the Phillie Phanatic is gonna drop weight...
why? hes basically being sued for being a clumsy fat ass.
I approve of this.
I completely approve.
"A Pennsylvania woman is SUING the Phillie Phanatic, claiming the baseball mascot aggrivated her arthritis when he sat on her lap, requiring both knees to be replaced. The Lawyer for Grace Cass (75yrs old), conceded it might be difficult to take testimony from the Phanatic: "I'm expecting him to come to a deposition, stick his tounge out at me and not say anything.""
Go for it Grace!
Sue his ass and get him to be the next Subway Celebrity.
Move over Jared... the Phillie Phanatic is gonna drop weight...
why? hes basically being sued for being a clumsy fat ass.
I approve of this.
I completely approve.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
In America we Burn Endangered Species ALIVE.
Obama Confirms: BP burning Sea Turtles
For those who don't know-
When Facebook created the "CAUSES" application;
I began one for the Sea Turtle Restoration Project.
We now have over 10,000 members and have raised close to $2,000 for STRP.
This oil spill in the gulf is very difficult for me to talk about without getting upset.
I encourage everyone to read the articles on STRP's website...
why?
this is what's going on right now...
We at STRP are trying to ban drilling. No Drill - No Spill.
We've launched a Law Suit against BP - they are burning Sea Turtles alive.
Please join the Facebook cause and Donate and go to the website and sign the petitions.
we need support.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Supreme double whopper court justice?
Nearly Two-Thirds of Americans cannot name a single member of the US SUPREME COURT!
Just 35% can name one member.
WHAT!?!?!?
wait...
I can only think of Sonia Sotomayor.
why?
because she's the first Hispanic Supreme Court judge?
because she's been in recent news?
Is this poll true!?
it is for me apparently.
This is crap. We all should know all of these people (not in a Hollywood celebrity way - then I'd vomit)
and we should be pushing communication with these people for the real change we want to see!
Lets figure out who these people are!
2010 Supreme Court Justices
Associate Justices:
Anthony McLeod Kennedy (born July 23, 1936) - from Sacramento, CA - Roman Catholic
John Paul Stevens (born April 20, 1920) - from Chicago, Illinois - Protestant
Antonin Gregory Scalia (born March 11, 1936) - from Trenton, NJ - Roman Catholic
Clarence Thomas (born June 23, 1948) - from Pin Point, Georgia - Roman Catholic
Samuel Anthony Alito, Jr. (born April 1, 1950) - from Trenton, NJ - Roman Catholic
Ruth Joan Bader Ginsburg (born March 15, 1933) - from Brooklyn, NY - Jewish
Stephen Gerald Breyer (born August 15, 1938) - from San Francisco, CA - Jewish
Sonia Maria Sotomayor (born June 25, 1954) - from The Bronx, NY - Roman Catholic
Chief Justice:
John Glover Roberts, Jr. (born January 27, 1955) - from Buffalo, NY - Roman Catholic
Maybe someone shares your birthday? your name? your hometown?
Whatever the dumb reason... lets figure out who these people are!
they make some kinda important decisions in this wacky country.
Just 35% can name one member.
WHAT!?!?!?
wait...
I can only think of Sonia Sotomayor.
why?
because she's the first Hispanic Supreme Court judge?
because she's been in recent news?
Is this poll true!?
it is for me apparently.
This is crap. We all should know all of these people (not in a Hollywood celebrity way - then I'd vomit)
and we should be pushing communication with these people for the real change we want to see!
Lets figure out who these people are!
2010 Supreme Court Justices
Associate Justices:
Anthony McLeod Kennedy (born July 23, 1936) - from Sacramento, CA - Roman Catholic
John Paul Stevens (born April 20, 1920) - from Chicago, Illinois - Protestant
Antonin Gregory Scalia (born March 11, 1936) - from Trenton, NJ - Roman Catholic
Clarence Thomas (born June 23, 1948) - from Pin Point, Georgia - Roman Catholic
Samuel Anthony Alito, Jr. (born April 1, 1950) - from Trenton, NJ - Roman Catholic
Ruth Joan Bader Ginsburg (born March 15, 1933) - from Brooklyn, NY - Jewish
Stephen Gerald Breyer (born August 15, 1938) - from San Francisco, CA - Jewish
Sonia Maria Sotomayor (born June 25, 1954) - from The Bronx, NY - Roman Catholic
Chief Justice:
John Glover Roberts, Jr. (born January 27, 1955) - from Buffalo, NY - Roman Catholic
Maybe someone shares your birthday? your name? your hometown?
Whatever the dumb reason... lets figure out who these people are!
they make some kinda important decisions in this wacky country.
Free-dumb
Memorial Day.
What was/is that holiday?
I think of Memorial Day - I think of BBQ, Baseball games, the beaches being packed, Summer, and family.
But... that has nothing to do with it.
Usually i'd post this article and then expound on it but-
this speaks for itself.
"For most Americans, Memorial Day simply marks the beginning of summer, said Andrew Bacevich. That's what it meant to me too, until 3yrs ago when my son was killed fighting in Iraq. Now, when I visit his gravesite, I'm haunted by uncomfortable questions about Why he and so many other brave Americans have died in the service of the country. We like to tell ourselves that "the fallen gave their lives so we might enjoy freedom," and certainly that was true of those killed in the battle of Gettysburg or on Omaha Beach. But in recent decades, from Vietnam to Bosnia to Iraq to Afghanistan, the connection between American military intervention and American freedom has become more tenuous. In playing world police man, the US repeatedly has become engaged in Never-Ending wars that we cannot win and cannot afford. It's easy to blame the politicians for sending young men and women to die in another nations civil war, fighting for goals no one can define. But as citizens of a democracy, we all bear some responsibility. Perhaps that's worth thinking about as we light up our barbecues and head to the beach."
- Los Angeles Times.
What was/is that holiday?
I think of Memorial Day - I think of BBQ, Baseball games, the beaches being packed, Summer, and family.
But... that has nothing to do with it.
Usually i'd post this article and then expound on it but-
this speaks for itself.
"For most Americans, Memorial Day simply marks the beginning of summer, said Andrew Bacevich. That's what it meant to me too, until 3yrs ago when my son was killed fighting in Iraq. Now, when I visit his gravesite, I'm haunted by uncomfortable questions about Why he and so many other brave Americans have died in the service of the country. We like to tell ourselves that "the fallen gave their lives so we might enjoy freedom," and certainly that was true of those killed in the battle of Gettysburg or on Omaha Beach. But in recent decades, from Vietnam to Bosnia to Iraq to Afghanistan, the connection between American military intervention and American freedom has become more tenuous. In playing world police man, the US repeatedly has become engaged in Never-Ending wars that we cannot win and cannot afford. It's easy to blame the politicians for sending young men and women to die in another nations civil war, fighting for goals no one can define. But as citizens of a democracy, we all bear some responsibility. Perhaps that's worth thinking about as we light up our barbecues and head to the beach."
- Los Angeles Times.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Ashley in Yogaland
Yoga Yoga Yoga
are you tired of hearing me talk about it yet?
:)
Coming up with a name for anything can be hard... but marketing myself in LA as a yoga teacher is proving harder than I expected.
I need a general website name and will be promoting myself as a Private Instructor of HATHA and KUNDALINI Yoga while also promoting the Actors benefits of yoga.
I can't think of anything, help?
are you tired of hearing me talk about it yet?
:)
Coming up with a name for anything can be hard... but marketing myself in LA as a yoga teacher is proving harder than I expected.
I need a general website name and will be promoting myself as a Private Instructor of HATHA and KUNDALINI Yoga while also promoting the Actors benefits of yoga.
I can't think of anything, help?
Sunday, April 18, 2010
What would Jesus Eat?
Great article in THE WEEK last week under Health & Science...
so why is this post title about Jesus?
ah this is all so great.
"Super-Sizing the Last Supper"
"The modern struggle with portion control may not be simply a "modern" thing. A Study of 52 different artist depictions of The Last Supper (from all different times) indicates that serving sizes have been marching heavenward for 1,000 years."
Using computer technology, researchers analyzed and compared the actual food on the table- in front of Jebus - in 52 different paintings of The Last Supper between the years 1000 & 2000. (Including da Vinci, Rubens, El Greco)
and Get THIS:
"Relative to the size of the disciples' heads, the loaves of bread grew 23% over the millennium; the main meal grew by 69% and the plates themselves grew 66%."
I could be wrong but doesn't that book...the one that says this even happened to begin with... um... Bible? yea that's it...
ah hem...
Doesn't the bible say they had only BREAD and WINE????
Google search some last supper photos/paintings... fish... fruit... lamb...
WRONG!
bread and wine only amigo.
I could make this post about the health and diet parallels - like The Week did... but... I'm more interested in other things.
like...
... maybe in 2050; Some distant relative of Salvador Dali will paint The Last Supper with a Super Sized Coke and a Big Mac. Now THAT'S advertising...
who's got the number for McDonald's Corporate division? I'm gonna make a fortune.
(a fortune off of Jesus, just like the church. Yay...blasphemy)
so why is this post title about Jesus?
ah this is all so great.
"Super-Sizing the Last Supper"
"The modern struggle with portion control may not be simply a "modern" thing. A Study of 52 different artist depictions of The Last Supper (from all different times) indicates that serving sizes have been marching heavenward for 1,000 years."
Using computer technology, researchers analyzed and compared the actual food on the table- in front of Jebus - in 52 different paintings of The Last Supper between the years 1000 & 2000. (Including da Vinci, Rubens, El Greco)
and Get THIS:
"Relative to the size of the disciples' heads, the loaves of bread grew 23% over the millennium; the main meal grew by 69% and the plates themselves grew 66%."
I could be wrong but doesn't that book...the one that says this even happened to begin with... um... Bible? yea that's it...
ah hem...
Doesn't the bible say they had only BREAD and WINE????
Google search some last supper photos/paintings... fish... fruit... lamb...
WRONG!
bread and wine only amigo.
I could make this post about the health and diet parallels - like The Week did... but... I'm more interested in other things.
like...
... maybe in 2050; Some distant relative of Salvador Dali will paint The Last Supper with a Super Sized Coke and a Big Mac. Now THAT'S advertising...
who's got the number for McDonald's Corporate division? I'm gonna make a fortune.
(a fortune off of Jesus, just like the church. Yay...blasphemy)
Large Hadron Collider
Who remembers this?
anyone?
I'm really not a big science nerd but I do...
This thing... in Geneva...
Called the Large Hadron Collider (rad) is like a tube that smashes particles together in an effort to recreate a small scale Big Bang. it's some 17miles long - underground ring that costs $10BILLION to build.
What i remember about it was that people thought it was going to create a black hole in Geneva and suck us all in.
Guess what!?
it didn't.
Yup that's all I care to say. People freak out over the silliest things.
Read more here: Wikipedia-Large Hadron Collider
anyone?
I'm really not a big science nerd but I do...
This thing... in Geneva...
Called the Large Hadron Collider (rad) is like a tube that smashes particles together in an effort to recreate a small scale Big Bang. it's some 17miles long - underground ring that costs $10BILLION to build.
What i remember about it was that people thought it was going to create a black hole in Geneva and suck us all in.
Guess what!?
it didn't.
Yup that's all I care to say. People freak out over the silliest things.
Read more here: Wikipedia-Large Hadron Collider
Monday, April 12, 2010
Some "Thanks"
Usually when a child of America makes the decision to join the military we support them and when they die we honor their sacrifice.
anyone disagree with me yet?
good.
So here's a great little article.
in 2006, Mr. Albert Snyder was holding a funeral for his son, Cpl. Matthew Snyder of the United States Marine Corp.
When some Anti-Gay activists decided to appear and make known their opinion on the Dead Marines sexual orientation.
These "activists" were members of the Westboro Baptist Church, - their leader Fred Phelps was present as well - they brought along signs reading "God Hates Fags" and "God Hates the USA."
DURING the funeral Mr. Fruit Loop Phelps preached that "the soilder's death was God's punishment for America's tolerance of Homosexuality."
Albert Snyder (Marine's Father) sued Fruit McLooperson Phelps for infliction of emotional distress, and won $5 million.
...great right!?!
well.
That ruling was then overturned, and Phelps then counter sued to recover court costs winning $16,500 against Snyder.
This was in federal court!
A Federal appeals court ordered the father of a Marine killed in Iraq to pay the court costs of an anti-gay activist who picked his sons funeral.
Really America?
Land of the freedom of speech, home of the brave enough to die for our country and then have your father pay 16,500$ to some fools who cried "Homo" at your funeral.
Dad Won't Pay.
and I say... good! Don't pay that shit Poppa Snyder! Don't fuckin validate their crazy.
on the RIGHT is Mr. Snyder. to the left is his lawyer.
anyone disagree with me yet?
good.
So here's a great little article.
in 2006, Mr. Albert Snyder was holding a funeral for his son, Cpl. Matthew Snyder of the United States Marine Corp.
When some Anti-Gay activists decided to appear and make known their opinion on the Dead Marines sexual orientation.
These "activists" were members of the Westboro Baptist Church, - their leader Fred Phelps was present as well - they brought along signs reading "God Hates Fags" and "God Hates the USA."
DURING the funeral Mr. Fruit Loop Phelps preached that "the soilder's death was God's punishment for America's tolerance of Homosexuality."
Albert Snyder (Marine's Father) sued Fruit McLooperson Phelps for infliction of emotional distress, and won $5 million.
...great right!?!
well.
That ruling was then overturned, and Phelps then counter sued to recover court costs winning $16,500 against Snyder.
This was in federal court!
A Federal appeals court ordered the father of a Marine killed in Iraq to pay the court costs of an anti-gay activist who picked his sons funeral.
Really America?
Land of the freedom of speech, home of the brave enough to die for our country and then have your father pay 16,500$ to some fools who cried "Homo" at your funeral.
Dad Won't Pay.
and I say... good! Don't pay that shit Poppa Snyder! Don't fuckin validate their crazy.
on the RIGHT is Mr. Snyder. to the left is his lawyer.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Hope for Disaster
Dear President Obama,
You're like a pretty smart guy. You're well spoken and you've risen above historical impossibilities. I voted for you.
ok, so all the nice things out of the way now right?
I did NOT vote for Offshore drilling.
You said "To sustain economic growth we're going to need to harness traditional sources of fuel even as we ramp up production of new sources of renewable energy."
How about you take the X,000,000$ million dollars being spent on disrupting our clearly unstable earth (earth quakes much?)
and put ALL that money into renewable energy creating VAST jobs ON American soil? Hm? THAT might "ramp up" production.
if we put that kind of money into these programs ... jobs will be created and energy will be mass produced in a way that is less harmful to our fragile environment/ecosystem.
That was the hope that I voted for... and if this is the path you're taking I don't see much "change" from the previous administration.
I don't think you're being guided by Biden like Bush was by Cheney, but I've been wrong before... I thought the whole Tiger Woods thing would blow over. Whoops.
In conclusion, I am impressed with the way you handle the majority of the shit that Bushy boy left behind for you... however this is your first DOUCHE stamp from me... I hope it bites you in the ass.
:)
Ashley
You're like a pretty smart guy. You're well spoken and you've risen above historical impossibilities. I voted for you.
ok, so all the nice things out of the way now right?
I did NOT vote for Offshore drilling.
You said "To sustain economic growth we're going to need to harness traditional sources of fuel even as we ramp up production of new sources of renewable energy."
How about you take the X,000,000$ million dollars being spent on disrupting our clearly unstable earth (earth quakes much?)
and put ALL that money into renewable energy creating VAST jobs ON American soil? Hm? THAT might "ramp up" production.
if we put that kind of money into these programs ... jobs will be created and energy will be mass produced in a way that is less harmful to our fragile environment/ecosystem.
That was the hope that I voted for... and if this is the path you're taking I don't see much "change" from the previous administration.
I don't think you're being guided by Biden like Bush was by Cheney, but I've been wrong before... I thought the whole Tiger Woods thing would blow over. Whoops.
In conclusion, I am impressed with the way you handle the majority of the shit that Bushy boy left behind for you... however this is your first DOUCHE stamp from me... I hope it bites you in the ass.
:)
Ashley
Divine Intervention?
For years India and Bangladesh have been arguing over who owned the uninhabited island in the Bay Of Bengal.
New Moore Island in the Sunderbans is now No Moore Island.
Thanks to ... (well it must be real now) GLOBAL WARMING!
It has COMPLETELY sunk into the ocean.
By which I mean sea levels from melting ice caps have risen so much that there is no longer New Moore Island.
and there is also no longer a dispute.
Mother Nature is one funny bitch.
New Moore Island in the Sunderbans is now No Moore Island.
Thanks to ... (well it must be real now) GLOBAL WARMING!
It has COMPLETELY sunk into the ocean.
By which I mean sea levels from melting ice caps have risen so much that there is no longer New Moore Island.
and there is also no longer a dispute.
Mother Nature is one funny bitch.
Cross it off girl...
Flordia.
Be proud.
this week one of your own made my day.
"Good week for Crossing one off, after a Flordia woman explained that she robbed a bank because Bank Robbery was on her "bucket list." "I think everyone should have a list of things they want to do before they expire," said Patricia Edwards, 51, from jail."
um... RAD!
Be proud.
this week one of your own made my day.
"Good week for Crossing one off, after a Flordia woman explained that she robbed a bank because Bank Robbery was on her "bucket list." "I think everyone should have a list of things they want to do before they expire," said Patricia Edwards, 51, from jail."
um... RAD!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
The NEW FACE! on the $50 bill!
"A group of 14 GOP congressmen, led by Republican Patrick McHenry," ( who clearly have nothing better to do during such a critical time in American History) have "Introduced legislation to have the image of Ronald Reagan's face enshrined on the $50 bill, displacing that of former President Ulysses S. Grant"
They claim; "Every generation needs it's own heroes"
OH! I get it!
My bad, this whole time I thought we had historically signifigant Presidents on our currency.
Stupid me... we only want generational heroes?
Lets change the whole lot of currency then!
and no Reagan is a bad idea... if we're putting heroes on cash money - this is who I want to see...
I want Nelson Mandela on the 10$ bill.
I want the Dalai Lama on the 5
I want The Subway Hero on the 20
I want Bono on the 50$ ... sorry reagan... I dont like him either but he's given more than you ever did.
I want George Clooney on the 100$
and....
fuck it...
Batman on the 1$ bill.
If I was stripping to pay for college "the American way" I would feel much better seeing Batman in my panties.
They claim; "Every generation needs it's own heroes"
OH! I get it!
My bad, this whole time I thought we had historically signifigant Presidents on our currency.
Stupid me... we only want generational heroes?
Lets change the whole lot of currency then!
and no Reagan is a bad idea... if we're putting heroes on cash money - this is who I want to see...
I want Nelson Mandela on the 10$ bill.
I want the Dalai Lama on the 5
I want The Subway Hero on the 20
I want Bono on the 50$ ... sorry reagan... I dont like him either but he's given more than you ever did.
I want George Clooney on the 100$
and....
fuck it...
Batman on the 1$ bill.
If I was stripping to pay for college "the American way" I would feel much better seeing Batman in my panties.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The Best Toast
Here's to the girls in the little red shoes, who sit on our faces and drink all our booze. They may not be virgins, but that's not a sin, Because they still have the boxes their cherries came in.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Nothing will surpass the hourglass
Who knew!?!
This is the best addiction yet! and only MEN can have it.
"Looking at CURVY WOMEN can be as rewarding for men as the buzz from drugs or alcohol, a new study suggests. Scientists in Georgia asked a group of male subjects to view photos showing the naked backsides of women before and after surgery that gave them more hourglass figures- that is a higher hip-to-waist ratio. When men checked out photos of women like J.Lo -type figures- big hips and fleshy bottoms - parts of the brain associated with REWARDS lit up, including areas that respond to alcohol and drugs."
"The irony is that while Men appear to be hardwired to prefer wider hips and generous backsides - The white westernized female has somehow been dumped into thinking that men like very skinny, Kate Moss -type girls."
This is the best addiction yet! and only MEN can have it.
"Looking at CURVY WOMEN can be as rewarding for men as the buzz from drugs or alcohol, a new study suggests. Scientists in Georgia asked a group of male subjects to view photos showing the naked backsides of women before and after surgery that gave them more hourglass figures- that is a higher hip-to-waist ratio. When men checked out photos of women like J.Lo -type figures- big hips and fleshy bottoms - parts of the brain associated with REWARDS lit up, including areas that respond to alcohol and drugs."
"The irony is that while Men appear to be hardwired to prefer wider hips and generous backsides - The white westernized female has somehow been dumped into thinking that men like very skinny, Kate Moss -type girls."
Monday, February 22, 2010
Clips/Songs that make me smile
As an American... whos fathers family is german...
bah...
doesnt matter what I am or what you are...
this shit is funny.
Little T & One Track Mike.
if anyone of you know who this is?
or knows this song?
you've become my best friend.
bah...
doesnt matter what I am or what you are...
this shit is funny.
Little T & One Track Mike.
if anyone of you know who this is?
or knows this song?
you've become my best friend.
Id like $3.47 billion dollars...
Let's add a 4th thing to Recession Proof industries. Makeup/body care. Alcohol. Tobacco. And the newest - and apparently my new favorite topic - Lobbying!
According to THE HILL; "more than $3.47 Billion was spent lobbying the federal government in 2009, a 5% Increase over 2008".
When our country is in it greatest need of financial support and jobs - the corporations are fighting to put people in office and for votes that will help them.
Land of the free and home of the greed.
Ugh.
According to THE HILL; "more than $3.47 Billion was spent lobbying the federal government in 2009, a 5% Increase over 2008".
When our country is in it greatest need of financial support and jobs - the corporations are fighting to put people in office and for votes that will help them.
Land of the free and home of the greed.
Ugh.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Poll Watch
According to Angus Reid Public Opinion:
65% of Americans say they DISAGREE with the recent US Supreme Court ruling that allows corporations to spend without limits on Political Campaigns.
I guess the other 35% are politicians and corporate executives.
When was this passed?
Have I been so wrapped up in SuperBowl and awards season that I didn't see this in the news?
Come on Obama.
How about for every dollar a corporation gives Politically - they have to give a dollar to soup kitchens. Katrina relief. Homeless shelters. American endangered species. Ameri-core?
For every penny they put into American politics they can donate to American society, American causes, American relief.
They just better support someone who will let them write off the donations (not the political money) for their taxes.
65% of Americans say they DISAGREE with the recent US Supreme Court ruling that allows corporations to spend without limits on Political Campaigns.
I guess the other 35% are politicians and corporate executives.
When was this passed?
Have I been so wrapped up in SuperBowl and awards season that I didn't see this in the news?
Come on Obama.
How about for every dollar a corporation gives Politically - they have to give a dollar to soup kitchens. Katrina relief. Homeless shelters. American endangered species. Ameri-core?
For every penny they put into American politics they can donate to American society, American causes, American relief.
They just better support someone who will let them write off the donations (not the political money) for their taxes.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
My Hero
My top 3 Fav disney movies are as follows IN ORDER...
#3 Peter Pan
#2 Sleeping Beauty
#1 ALICE IN WONDERLAND
Hook... made peter pan even better
Tim Burton is about to make Alice In Wonderland even better...
in March... March 5th... cant cant wait!
and according to P. Hilton (perez not Paris)
Tim will become my Hero YET AGAIN!
Tim Burton to recreate SLEEPING BEAUTY as told by the Evil Queen Maleficent
holy dump
#3 Peter Pan
#2 Sleeping Beauty
#1 ALICE IN WONDERLAND
Hook... made peter pan even better
Tim Burton is about to make Alice In Wonderland even better...
in March... March 5th... cant cant wait!
and according to P. Hilton (perez not Paris)
Tim will become my Hero YET AGAIN!
Tim Burton to recreate SLEEPING BEAUTY as told by the Evil Queen Maleficent
holy dump
Sunday, January 3, 2010
To protect the Innocent
To protect the innocent the following texts between friends are about a man named Gary.
F- Gary has her panties around his head right now, Wielding a spatula.
L- Why a spatula? Cause they're chubby? has to be food related? Jerk
F- Gary on all fours, panting. Hovering over an abacus.
L- Foul bro, and abacus because he works with numbers? god.
F- Gary filing her toenails with an electric sander. then delicately painting them rainbow.
L- alright. I'll play. All of this happening while he's day dreaming of his boss and she's day dreaming of her server.
F- Gary rummaging through attic in search of flavored condoms he received as joke gift four years ago
L- Gary naked hand cuffed to the faucet in the bathtub with a rubber ducky up his ass she found. She's leaving him for the server. - Gary on wikipedia while shes blindfolded running around the house - looking up The G Spot
F- Gary sprawled out on Ikea Zebra rug wearing only a vintage Polaroid camera around his neck.
L -Gary reading further on wikipedia that a sneeze is 1/10 of an orgasm grabs his cat's feather toy
F- Gary feeding her lemon jell-o with a spork from KFC
L- Gary reading that roofies help get you laid. Studies the rebellious character from the movie Hook. Determining only that he cannot pull off a red mohawk. - Gary, trying to change it up in the bedroom attempts to make animals with his member but can only seem to make boobs. - Gary, discovering warming gel goes to the Dr.'s the next morning convinced that his girl gave him the clap.
F- Gary putting hummingbird dildo in Barnes and Noble gift bag for six month anniversary gift.
L- Gary receiving hummingbird dildo in CVS bad for 1yr anniversary re-gift. - Gary hanging said dildo in back year to attract hummingbirds to his lilies gets a hefty fine and has to put in overtime.
F- Gary has her panties around his head right now, Wielding a spatula.
L- Why a spatula? Cause they're chubby? has to be food related? Jerk
F- Gary on all fours, panting. Hovering over an abacus.
L- Foul bro, and abacus because he works with numbers? god.
F- Gary filing her toenails with an electric sander. then delicately painting them rainbow.
L- alright. I'll play. All of this happening while he's day dreaming of his boss and she's day dreaming of her server.
F- Gary rummaging through attic in search of flavored condoms he received as joke gift four years ago
L- Gary naked hand cuffed to the faucet in the bathtub with a rubber ducky up his ass she found. She's leaving him for the server. - Gary on wikipedia while shes blindfolded running around the house - looking up The G Spot
F- Gary sprawled out on Ikea Zebra rug wearing only a vintage Polaroid camera around his neck.
L -Gary reading further on wikipedia that a sneeze is 1/10 of an orgasm grabs his cat's feather toy
F- Gary feeding her lemon jell-o with a spork from KFC
L- Gary reading that roofies help get you laid. Studies the rebellious character from the movie Hook. Determining only that he cannot pull off a red mohawk. - Gary, trying to change it up in the bedroom attempts to make animals with his member but can only seem to make boobs. - Gary, discovering warming gel goes to the Dr.'s the next morning convinced that his girl gave him the clap.
F- Gary putting hummingbird dildo in Barnes and Noble gift bag for six month anniversary gift.
L- Gary receiving hummingbird dildo in CVS bad for 1yr anniversary re-gift. - Gary hanging said dildo in back year to attract hummingbirds to his lilies gets a hefty fine and has to put in overtime.
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